Category: Parents Zone

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Parents Zone

Don’t Let Children Become the “Third Party” in a Marriage

Written by: Aunty Anne Parents Station

 

When a man and a woman meet, get to know each other, and fall in love, they then get married and start their own family. Husband and wife promise to love and respect each other regardless of the circumstances, and their marital relationship naturally becomes the foundation of the family.

 

The arrival of children completes the family structure, but also makes the situation more complex: from the original couple relationship, it evolves into parent-child and grandparent-grandchild relationships. When facing the well-being of the children, everyone has their own opinions and positions, and blending them is not an easy task.

 

If we think carefully, we will understand that although husband and wife are the same two people, the two roles have different needs and considerations. The addition of a young child makes the couple cautiously take on the parental identity, which is laborious but also filled with sweetness. Infants are fragile and dependent, so parents naturally focus all their attention on protecting and caring for the child, inevitably neglecting the needs of their partner and even themselves, which is understandable.

 

However, the all-encompassing protective net that parents cast during the infant and toddler stage does not recede as the child grows up, allowing the child to forge their own path in life. Modern families idolise the children and let them dominate the family’s operations, overshadowing the spousal relationship. Spouses can no longer get the understanding and gratitude they expect from each other, and the relationship gradually fades or drifts apart. In this ironic situation, the “third party” that harms the marital relationship is the couple’s own child.

 

Worse still, a harmonious family relationship is the most important element for a child’s healthy, happy, and positive growth. Facing the discord between parents, children are often dragged into this vortex, trying to balance the relationship and shouldering emotions that do not belong to them. Children do not know how to handle and release these worries, and their emotions and behaviours will develop problems, but parents can only ask the children to focus on their studies, thinking this is the children’s responsibility. Children, however, worry all day long that the family is falling apart, so what’s the use of studying! This is a vivid portrayal of the modern family issue.

“Parents should be closer to each other than to the children,” to implement the original intention of building the family through mutual understanding and love. Remember that children are only temporary guests in the family, and one day they will leave the nest to establish their own homes. In the end, the husband and wife will only have each other left, so cherishing the partner and not forgetting the original intention are the keys to weathering the ups and downs and walking together until old age.

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Parents Zone

Love Warms at Home

Written by: Principal Cheung Jok Fong, Education expert

 

Have you ever heard the theme song “Embrace Love” from a certain TV series? I really like some of the lyrics, which simply yet powerfully convey the essence of “home”: home is a place that “shelters from wind and rain”, your “shield” that will always “open its door” when you are “weary”. The “love” mentioned refers to the familial love that is destined from the moment you were born – a bond thicker than water. Indeed, what could be more important than family love? When you are down on your luck, your family will share your worries, listen to your woes, and accompany you through the difficult times; when you are ill, your family will care for you unconditionally; when you succeed in your studies or career, they will rejoice wholeheartedly and feel proud of your accomplishments. This kind of “love” is something that money cannot buy.

 

This year, our school has chosen “family” as the main theme, hoping to help parents and students appreciate the preciousness of family love. Unfortunately, this love may be taken for granted, as we are born into it, and hence some people fail to cherish it. Sometimes, we see from the news that some youths would rather loiter on the streets than return home; some families are embroiled in constant bickering, turning home into a battleground; some people even resort to violence against their own family members over trivial matters, leading to bloodshed. These are just the tip of the iceberg – it is truly saddening to see a good home deteriorate in such a way.

 

Three Phrases to Say More Often at Home

 

How can we build a harmonious family? Pope Francis, when discussing family life, proposed the “three family phrases”, which are the three phrases we should say more often at home: “thank you”, “may I”, and “I’m sorry”. “Thank you” expresses gratitude to family members. Often, children take the care provided by their parents for granted. But think about it – do parents have to prepare three meals a day for you? Who washes your clothes and shoes, giving you a more hygienic living environment? When you are sick, who tenderly cares for you, even getting up at night to feed you medicine? Schoolmates, while your parents are caring for you, why not say “thank you” more often? When you have the chance, you can also help your parents with household chores, sharing their workload. In fact, when children help with household tasks, parents can also say “thank you” to them. Nowadays, it is no longer appropriate for elders to adopt a superior attitude. Everyone has a responsibility in building a harmonious family – do not assume that certain tasks are the sole responsibility of certain family members. Even when receiving help from family members, a simple “thank you” can go a long way.

“Please” represents respect for family members and polite behavior towards others. Some may think that since they are family, they do not need to be too polite and can just speak directly. However, “please” not only reminds us to speak politely, but also to consider the feelings of our family members. Sometimes, people get into heated arguments over trivial matters, believing that they should fight for what is right, even with their own family. But is that really worth it? As the saying goes, “You may have won the battle, but lost the family.” Even with family, it is still better to be more cautious with our words.

 

As for “I’m sorry,” it represents seeking forgiveness from family members. When we have done something wrong, we should have the courage to take responsibility and say “I’m sorry” to those we have hurt. At the same time, “I’m sorry” also represents an opportunity to mend relationships with our family. Sometimes, it is not easy to determine who is right or wrong, or there may not even be a clear right or wrong, but just differences in values. Many conflicts arise from this very reason. If everyone refuses to compromise, the relationship will become very strained. As the saying goes, “Take a step back, and the world will be wide open.” Letting go of one’s ego does not mean one has to surrender or compromise on the issue, but rather creates a new opportunity to solve the problem in a better way.

 

Both in China and abroad, the concept of “family” is highly valued. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) God has arranged for us to grow up in different groups, and the first group is our family. As for Confucius, he greatly valued filial piety, believing it to be the foundation of being a good person and a scholar. Let us all start practicing the “Three Phrases of Family Life” from today, and build a harmonious and beautiful family together.

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Is My Child a Little Bully?

Written by: Miss Jody Lee, Senior Registered Social Worker

 

Whether it’s fighting over toys, losing games, or rushing to be first in line, it is common to see children using pushing, shoving, and hitting to deal with situations that don’t go their way – which is also a constant headache for parents. Why does a child exhibit bullying behavior?

 

1.Are emotions and behaviors conflated?

“You cannot get angry and hit people!” The child may experience an emotion – “anger”, which leads to a behavioral response – “hitting”. However, while parents can prohibit the child’s hitting behavior, they cannot prohibit the child from feeling “angry”. The child will not immediately calm their emotions just because the parents have banned “anger”. Parents need to teach the child to separate emotions and behaviors – “I understand you are very angry that your brother took your toy, but you cannot hit him!

2.Don’t eat Meal A if it’s not good for you!

“You cannot hit your brother, just don’t hit him at all.” Parents may simply tell the child not to engage in an undesirable behavior (Meal A) without providing any alternative (Meal B, C, D) options. If the brother takes the child’s toy again, the child will likely continue to “eat Meal A” (hit). Parents should not only prohibit the undesirable behavior, but also provide alternative, appropriate ways for the child to respond – “You cannot hit, but if your brother takes your toy, you can tell him: ‘The toy is mine, I’ll give it to you when I’m done’ (Meal B), or you can ask me to help settle it (Meal C), or you can let your brother play with it first (Meal D)…

 

3.Children will absolutely accept challenges!

“If you hit your brother again, I won’t want you anymore.” Parents may intend to suppress the child’s hitting behavior through intimidation, which often backfires, as today’s children may see this as a challenge. The child may resent the parents and the brother, and look for opportunities to hit the brother again. Instead, parents should directly state their expectations: “Please stop hitting your brother.”

 

4.My child hit me, but it doesn’t hurt. Can I tolerate that?

No matter how angry or dissatisfied the child is, when they engage in harmful, self-destructive, or destructive behaviors, parents must intervene immediately. If the child habitually vents their frustration by hitting others because the force is not great and the adults can endure the pain, the child may mistakenly think that attacking others is acceptable. Parents have the responsibility to immediately stop and clearly indicate that the child’s hitting behavior is unacceptable.

 

In fact, children are not born as little bullies. As they grow, the people around them, while accompanying them, should carefully teach them the right ways to deal with problems. Only then can the child develop maturity and become independent.

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Parents Zone

Should parents stop children throwing toys?

Source：Registered Educational Psychologist, Pang Chi Wah

 

When parents encounter children in the toddler stage picking up toys, they will throw, throw, throw! In fact, this is a normal developmental process, especially between the ages of 1 and 2. Because picking up toys and throwing them causes objects fall down, it is easier to see the cause-and-effect relationship.

Pick up, let go, and there will be sound and action. The action means that after he does the action, the object will fall down and feel very funny. However, as he grows older, he should stop throwing toys. It is not appropriate for parents to stop him and say that it is wrong for him to throw toys again. He may not know what is right and wrong, but he finds it fun. Parents can appropriately let him continue to throw and set some rules so that he throws into some of the appropriate ranges. Even with the wrong color, it does not matter; at least put it back in the appropriate range.

Parents can also let him throw the ball; it can be thrown relatively far away. In the home area, you can use some trays or different boxes so he can throw it in like a storage toy. Of course, ask him to be a little less forceful. Another thing that is very important is that parents remember to pay attention to the fact that if you tell him not to throw when he throws, it will strengthen his desire to throw. Because this statement is not positive enough, parents should remember that when he throws the toy, they should not say, “Do not throw the toy again.” Instead, you can say, “We try to slowly put it down.” Put it here, a little more gently.”

On the one hand, we provide opportunities for him to throw himself appropriately into the environment, and on the other hand, we speak in a positive way to guide him on what he should do so that there is a chance to improve his behavior.

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What constitutes a language development delay in a child?

Source: Speech Therapist, Mok Yee Tuen

Typically, babies start making sounds as soon as they are born, such as different crying sounds to express their demands. From 4 to 8 months, they start babbling, which is part of the language preparation period. Children actually go through a ladder of language development, starting with just learning single words and ending with being able to tell stories with their words.

Babies from 9 months to 1 year generally start producing their first meaningful word, such as “ba,”  “ma,” or “ball ball.” From 1 to 2 years old, their understanding and vocabulary expression increase greatly, with the accumulation of single words forming two-word phrases, such as “mommy drink” and “eat bun bun.”

From 2 to 3 years old, children generally speak in longer sentences and can express different needs. For example, they like to add a word to the two-word phrases, forming three-word combinations, such as “Daddy eat bun” and “I want grandma.” Some children start using adjectives, such as “sister eats a big apple.

Young children generally recognize more different sentences and start using conjunctions after 3 and a half years old, and by 5 years old, they slowly understand how to combine different sentences and use more conjunctions and start to narrate things logically, that is, by telling stories.

In fact, the language development of young children is slightly different for each person, but through empirical research, we also have some important reference indicators to see if a child may have a speech delay.

The first is that there are no words at 2 years old.

Second, no sentences appear before the age of three.

The third is that speech is unclear and hard to understand after 3 years old,

Fourth, sentences are still unclear after 5 years old.

If the child is not speaking more and more as they grow, parents should seek the help of a professional to assess and train them as soon as possible.

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How do we develop children’s reading habits？

Source: Shirley Loo, Executive Director, Family Development Foundation

        

Reading habits are best cultivated from a young age, and every school and every teacher should encourage students to read. I think a “book” at the starting line, which is a book, will allow children to win at the end of the line. It can be cultivated in infancy. There are many kinds of books available for babies, such as Muppet books, soft books, books with no words and only pictures, and many tactile ones. Let him try to open and read books.

In addition, there are many parents who wonder whether it is necessary to recognize words from reading. A book has its own gold house, meaning that as long as it’s well-read, wealth and profit will come naturally. There is a beautiful world in books. First, do you know what the most important thing is? It is to pick up a book, and parents should like to read. If you don’t like to read but you keep telling your child, “Read it,” how will he read it? Will he see the side shadows of his mother and father reading? I always say you can pick up a book and say in amazement, “Look at this book, it’s cute!” “How cute is this little bird!” This entices children to read it.

And should we tell the story from beginning to end? This is not necessarily the case, you may see a picture here. Then you can ask, “Guess what she went into the kitchen to do?” When he can’t understand the story, you can make him feel it and let him guess, and there are other ways to play. You should not underestimate children; their powers of observation and the density of their minds are usually far beyond what parents can imagine.

Parents can also teach him to count things, such as by asking him the time shown in the storybook. I often feel that reading is not straightforward. We want him to be interested in the pictures in books, and the second level is to learn to read, memorize, and write.

In fact, we can also incorporate some of the stories in books or character settings into the challenges or new environments that he may face in the future so that he can experience them in books. When K2 or K3 children have more vocabulary, they can even sit and listen to you tell stories. However, many parents feel that their storytelling is not vivid enough. But it doesn’t matter because you are the best storyteller for him since you are his mom and dad.

It’s not necessary to read the story, but I think it’s better to make it oral so that he feels it fits the scene. If most of the family speaks Cantonese, you want the story to penetrate his mind, of course, in the language he is most familiar with. I think the most important thing is to be close to his life, to his language, and to his interests. The most important thing is that the parents read the book first so that they can instill a strong infectious power in their children!

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Growing up, but not willing to walk. How to improve the children’s twisting and hugging habits?

Source: Psychotherapist, Lee Wai Tong

At the age of one, children gradually learn to walk. At first, children will be very excited to explore everywhere. But gradually, they will ask adults to hold them and not be willing to walk by themselves. Parents will be feeling headaches, sometimes the child may be really tired, and sometimes they just want to be held out of a sense of affection. What can parents do when their children ask for a hug?

Some parents have mentioned to me that their children couldn’t walk when they were one year old, but they wanted to walk very much. When they learn to walk later, they especially like to walk at that time. The parents were happy that the stroller could be left at home, thinking that the child would walk in the future. However, after the children became familiar with walking, they would want to be held by their parents, and even the parents would need to take a stroller and go everywhere in the stroller.

If you don’t have a stroller, it’s a big test of the parents’ physical strength. Of course, parents want their children to walk again, and some parents say, “If you don’t walk, we won’t go out.” Parents actually want to go out with their children, have fun, and walk around, so why not set a goal with them? For example, if you go there, you will hold them, and if you go there, you will walk, and you will make this commitment before you go out. For example, when the child is just out of the lift door and says he wants to be held, we have just said that we have to go downstairs, from the entrance of the estate down to the gate, before we can hold him. We have a goal for the child; the child moves naturally downstairs to hug, and the parents promised to carry him to the gate and place the child back on the ground.

Sometimes children would suddenly say they wanted to be hugged; parents could tell their children to walk to the other side of the light before hugging. On the one hand, we all enjoy parent-child fun, and secondly, children have a goal, know where to walk to hug, and are naturally more willing to walk a little more. Sometimes children are really tired, or the feeling of hugging is actually very intimate, so they want to hug to get the intimate feeling. So we need to let the children know that we will hug them, but there is a goal, for example, to walk there and hug them at that time, so that everyone will be happy.

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Why will children pamper？

Written by：Dr. Wilbert Law, an assistant professor in the psychology department at Hong Kong University of Education and a registered educational psychologist. 

 

How do parents react when their children coax and pamper them, ask for different things,  or play with them in a baby-like voice? Do you think children are troublesome? Or do you feel that your child is just messing around, doing nothing serious?

But why will children pamper? Research has shown that adults are particularly sensitive to the sound of pampering, so it is easier to catch their attention. It is possible that the child is pampering his parents because he needs your attention at that moment. Sometimes adults are so busy with their lives that they may neglect them, so children will pamper their parents when they see them.

Another possibility is that when children are tired or feel powerless, they may pamper or   act like babies. These behaviors are very common in the growing-up stage.

How can parents respond when their children are pampering their parents? In fact, when   we understand the possibility of our children’s pampering, we know that they are not        deliberately provoking parents, they can try to sit down and talk with their children to       understand their needs, especially if the child is pampering because he or she is tired. We  can help them express themselves with some words. For example, ask your child, “How do you feel?” “Are you very tired?” “What can I do for you?”

Of course, you may also want to reduce your child’s pampering behavior by encouraging   them more, using age-appropriate words and behaviors, and praising and affirming them  more often. When they are pampering you, do not scold or mock them.

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Thousands of lies to avoid doing homework. What should parents do?

Written by: Family Dynamics, Psychological Counselor, Lai Shun Mei

Every time a child does homework, he or she falsely claims to have a stomachache, to go   to the bathroom, or to go to sleep—thousands of lies and excuses. Parents who value character development are naturally outraged because they have zero tolerance for dishonesty in their children. But why do children always avoid doing their homework?     Why do they have to lie to cover it up?

Often, children avoid doing homework not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. Children want to be good and smart, but when they find out they can’t do their homework, they think they are not smart enough. When they find out they can’t do their homework, they think they are not smart enough. They can’t accept this and will lie to cover it up and avoid it. Generally speaking, children with normal intelligence but learning disabilities will have their academic performance affected to some degree, but they can perform well in other areas as well. Regardless of their intelligence level, with the right approach and the right amount of training, they will be able to develop the appropriate skills.

But why do people tell lies? When a person feels that he or she is in an uncomfortable situation, he or she will activate the defense mechanism to protect himself or herself. Lying is one of the ways to escape a crisis. If parents want to help their children, they need to give them the courage to tell the truth so that they can understand what their children really don’t understand.

How do you get your child to be brave enough to tell the truth? You need to let your child know that even if he or she is not smart enough, you will still love him or her so much, take pleasure in him or her, be patient with him or her, and work together to help him or her solve their problems, thus building his or her sense of security and giving him or her the peace of mind to reveal his or her innermost doubts and difficulties. But on the  contrary, if his experience makes him think that he is not smart enough, which will lead to his mother’s anger and complaints, he will not dare to tell the truth and even activate his self-protection mechanism to protect himself with lies that adults can uncover at first glance.

Not only will the child be unable to protect himself, but he will also get into more trouble  because the mother will be rehabilitated and will admit her fault and promise not to lie again. But in fact, his homework difficulties are not solved, creating a vicious cycle. Therefore, we encourage parents to learn to accept their children’s shortcomings so that they will have confidence in you and feel safe to open up to you.

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Letting go and letting your child become an independent person

Written by：Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion　

　　　          Lam Ho Pui Yee

 

From childhood to adulthood, independence does not happen overnight. From the cradle to society, this journey is made up of countless small steps, and every small step in a child’s development is an opportunity for parents to learn to let go.

Because we can’t be with our children all our lives and take care of them until they grow old, we as parents should know how to let go in a timely manner. The purpose of letting go is to help your child grow and become an independent person who can take responsibility for himself. This kind of love has deep meaning.

How to let go

 

1.love and discipline go hand in hand

Many parents want to be friends with their children, but respect is not an indulgence. In my opinion, being a friend to your child means that you want to share and communicate more about each other’s inner worlds, but not in respectful way, children still need the guidance of their parents. Instead of worrying about how to be your child’s friend, you should think and learn how to be your child’s coach and spiritual support. Therefore, listening to children and observing their behavior is the first step in teaching children self-regulation. By learning to listen to their children, parents will be able to understand their children’s potential, interests and passions, and give them the help and support they need to let go.

2. Give children the opportunity to deal with things and learn from their mistakes

 

Many parents seem to forget that a crying baby eventually learns to sleep without being held, or the joy and emotion of seeing a The ecstasy and emotion of seeing a baby take its first steps without the support of someone. When a child faces conflict, problems or mistakes, parents should not rush to advocate, step in or make amends. Never deprive your child of the opportunity to learn from mistakes and failures, because children learn the ability to advocate for themselves and solve problems, and to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices or actions. In the process of letting go, you allow your child to try mistakes and accept failure.

3. Delay in meeting the needs of the child

 

We need to let go of the myth that parents don’t have to meet what their children want. In setting boundaries, it is important to delay gratification. We need to distinguish between our child’s “wants” and “needs. When a child asks for something, don’t just give him what he wants. You can wait until his birthday to give him a gift or encourage him to save up to buy it. Many parents in the West encourage their children to help their neighbors hoe their lawns to earn pocket money to buy things they want, because they will appreciate the things they have worked hard for through their own efforts.

 

In addition to helping children grow and feel responsible for their own lives, there is a higher value in letting go, which is to turn small love into big love. Parents need to learn to let go and bless their children to pursue their lives. When you start to let go, you will find that there is infinite space in life.

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