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Letting go and letting your child become an independent person

Written by：Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion　

　　　          Lam Ho Pui Yee

 

From childhood to adulthood, independence does not happen overnight. From the cradle to society, this journey is made up of countless small steps, and every small step in a child’s development is an opportunity for parents to learn to let go.

Because we can’t be with our children all our lives and take care of them until they grow old, we as parents should know how to let go in a timely manner. The purpose of letting go is to help your child grow and become an independent person who can take responsibility for himself. This kind of love has deep meaning.

How to let go

 

1.love and discipline go hand in hand

Many parents want to be friends with their children, but respect is not an indulgence. In my opinion, being a friend to your child means that you want to share and communicate more about each other’s inner worlds, but not in respectful way, children still need the guidance of their parents. Instead of worrying about how to be your child’s friend, you should think and learn how to be your child’s coach and spiritual support. Therefore, listening to children and observing their behavior is the first step in teaching children self-regulation. By learning to listen to their children, parents will be able to understand their children’s potential, interests and passions, and give them the help and support they need to let go.

2. Give children the opportunity to deal with things and learn from their mistakes

 

Many parents seem to forget that a crying baby eventually learns to sleep without being held, or the joy and emotion of seeing a The ecstasy and emotion of seeing a baby take its first steps without the support of someone. When a child faces conflict, problems or mistakes, parents should not rush to advocate, step in or make amends. Never deprive your child of the opportunity to learn from mistakes and failures, because children learn the ability to advocate for themselves and solve problems, and to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices or actions. In the process of letting go, you allow your child to try mistakes and accept failure.

3. Delay in meeting the needs of the child

 

We need to let go of the myth that parents don’t have to meet what their children want. In setting boundaries, it is important to delay gratification. We need to distinguish between our child’s “wants” and “needs. When a child asks for something, don’t just give him what he wants. You can wait until his birthday to give him a gift or encourage him to save up to buy it. Many parents in the West encourage their children to help their neighbors hoe their lawns to earn pocket money to buy things they want, because they will appreciate the things they have worked hard for through their own efforts.

 

In addition to helping children grow and feel responsible for their own lives, there is a higher value in letting go, which is to turn small love into big love. Parents need to learn to let go and bless their children to pursue their lives. When you start to let go, you will find that there is infinite space in life.

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“No!” “Not allowed!” “No!” Does it really work?

Written by : Child Behavioral Emotional Therapist
　　　         Ip Wai Lun

 

Many times, parents get angry because their children don’t follow the rules or challenge some bottom line. For example, if a parent doesn’t want a child to touch something, the parent will just say, “Hey! Don’t touch it!” and “No!” and “Stop”, the child will hear many of these “No! and “No! In fact, this will often make children feel that they have done something wrong, which in turn will undermine their confidence and make them avoid doing things in the future.

As a parent, what can you do to make your child follow the rules without undermining his self-confidence? What kind of talking skills can parents use?

For example, if a child is angry and his face is red, we can use the following “three-step” approach.

Part I: Say How He Feels

“Mommy and Daddy see how angry you are ……”

“Look at your red face. ……”

Parents can try to help their children say how they feel. This is the first and most important step.

 

Part 2: Setting boundaries

When a child has a temper tantrum and may hit someone, parents should immediately set a line: “Okay, we can’t hurt others. Help him to set a compliance line.

 

Part 3: Arranging a platform for diversion

If the child has already hit someone, the parent should arrange a platform for the child to channel the anger.

 

For example, the parent can say, “Oh! I see you are so angry that your face is red and you want to hit someone! Why don’t you show Daddy how angry you are? “Why don’t you hit this shark doll?”

 

Maybe the child will say, “Yes, okay! and then hit the shark doll. At this point, the parent should tell the child, “Oh, Daddy is really angry to see you.

By allowing the child to express his or her emotions, the child will understand that when he or she has negative emotions, they won’t be accepted by the parents.

 

If parents use the above three steps, not only will they accept their children’s negative emotions, but they will also not condone their misbehavior, and most importantly, children will learn to follow the rules.

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What can I eat to refresh my brain and enhance my memory?

Written by : Registered Dietitian (Australia)

                     Chung Yong Man

 

Many parents ask, “What are the best foods to help your child refresh and maintain a good memory?

Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates are digested and converted into glucose, which provides sufficient energy for the brain. Therefore, I recommend eating an appropriate amount of carbohydrates at each meal to maintain the effective functioning of the brain. Food sources include grains and cereals such as rice, noodles, bread, oats, etc., and high starchy vegetables such as potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes, chestnuts and taro. Choosing high-fiber grains and cereals such as whole grain breakfasts, oats, whole wheat bread and red rice will help stabilize blood sugar and maintain concentration.

 

Omega-3 fatty acids

Omega-3 fatty acids, such as EPA and DHA, are the main elements that make up the brain’s cell membranes and nerve tissues, maintaining the normal transmission of messages in the nervous system and helping to maintain good memory. Omega-3 fatty acids can be obtained from eating deep-sea fish such as salmon, tuna, mackerel, etc. I recommend eating 2 to 3 meals a week, with each meal being about 2 to 3 ounces (the size of the palm of your hand). In addition, almonds, walnuts and avocados are also rich in omega-3 fatty acids.

Lecithin

Lecithin is one of the important elements in the composition of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, so adequate intake helps to revitalize brain cells, make thinking sharper and enhance memory. Eggs, soybeans and their products such as tofu, soy milk and baked beans with ketchup are rich in lecithin.

 

Iron

Iron is the main element in the production of red blood cells, which transports enough oxygen and nutrients to the brain to help keep it awake. Red meats such as beef, lamb and ostrich are rich in iron, and I recommend eating 2 to 3 meals a week at about 2 to 3 ounces per meal. Iron can also be taken from dark green vegetables such as spinach and red kidney beans, but since plant-based iron is more difficult to be absorbed by the body, foods rich in vitamin C, such as oranges, kiwis and tomatoes, can be eaten at the same meal to increase absorption.

Antioxidant Nutrients

Stress and poor diet can increase free radicals in the body, which can damage body cells and accelerate degeneration, or impair memory. Vitamins A, C, and E are antioxidants that protect brain cells from free radical damage and prevent memory loss. Foods rich in vitamin A include carrots, pumpkin and spinach; vitamin E can also be obtained from nuts, eggs and dried beans.

 

The above nutrients can promote brain health, but we should not only focus on the intake of a single nutrient. I encourage people to diversify their diets as much as possible to get enough nutrients to keep the brain functioning optimally.

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New mothers are physically and emotionally exhausted, and their husbands have two simple tricks to help them relieve their emotions

Written by Chinese Doctor Yiu Yee Chiu

       It is not easy to build a healthy and happy family. Starting from the first trimester, mothers-to-be have to face internal and external changes such as physical appearance, weight and weight, and even psychological and emotional changes. Mothers-to-be who are pregnant for the first time are more stressed and nervous. In addition, the stress may come from the partner and family members around her. I have seen some mothers who are pregnant with their second child and are overly worried because of the urgency of the sex of their child. In fact, children are a gift from God, so we should open our arms and obey God’s will, and our families should support us. However, there are many cases of postpartum depression. Therefore, I will share with you the treatment of postpartum depression from the perspective of Chinese medicine.

Prenatal and postnatal depression and blood stagnation

 

      In Chinese medicine, there are six types of depression: qi depression, blood depression, phlegm depression, damp depression, heat depression and food depression. Postpartum depression is quite complex, with qi and blood depression being the most common. The theory of Chinese medicine is that “when evil qi is injured, the right qi will be deficient”. The body of the mother-to-be has to give a lot of nutrients and blood to the baby during pregnancy, and the pain, qi depletion and blood loss during the delivery process will cause the mother’s body to suffer a lot.

 

      Later on, the mother’s busy schedule in taking care of the baby makes her physically exhausted, coupled with unclear dew and incomplete blood stasis, which causes the internal organs to be out of balance. At this time, the mother starts to feel weak, dizzy and headaches, pain in the lower abdomen, irritability and insomnia, and even affects the secretion of breast milk, such as lack of milk or low milk supply. In this case, the mother will feel frustrated, her emotions will be further affected, she will be irritable and prone to crying, and she will have a sense of loss and emptiness. These are all symptoms of postpartum depression.

Tips to relieve tension

 

In fact, postpartum depression can be avoided, and both Chinese and Western medicine have excellent therapeutic effects, so mothers should not be afraid to seek medical help if they start to notice something wrong. To prevent depression, mothers should have a regular routine before and after childbirth, plus dietary therapy and appropriate amount of exercise to maintain physical and mental well-being.

At home, husbands can perform some simple acupressure points for their wives to help relieve their tension：

 

1. Accelerate the heart and lung function to help relax the mood

Hold hands together and gently rub to stimulate the Yuzhi point under the thumbs and the Laogong point in the center of the palms, or press these two points with the thumbs for a few minutes.

 

2. Reduce head swelling and pain

Press the thumbs and middle fingers of both hands against the lateral solar plexus points and gently rotate them up and down for a few minutes to reduce head swelling and pain.

 

Whether you are pregnant or not, a husband who massages his wife can improve the relationship between the couple and make the family more warm and harmonious. If you have friends who are expecting mothers, remember to encourage each other and share your experience, which will also help mothers-to-be!

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Drawings peek into the inner world of children

Written by：Unleashing Mind  Professional  Counselling Academy   

                       Psychotherapist  Lee Wai-Tong

Painting can give us room to express our feelings. I use a brush to create a dialogue with myself in another language, soothing my emotions or gaining insight and unlocking my heart.

Crying over trivial stuff

In my past child counseling sessions, some parents came to me for help. They did not understand why their son, Ming, often cried over trivial things, such as being late for TV, late for dinner, or when his father came home late, etc. They mentioned the situation to Ming, but they did not understand why, which caused them trouble. Therefore, I suggested conducting a drawing assessment for Ming to understand the environment in which Ming grows up in his mind, which may help to understand the reason why Ming loves to cry.

A peek into the inner world through paintings

Later, I met with Ming’s parents again. They never imagined that the quarrel in front of Ming was deeply engraved in their son’s heart. In addition, the father also found that his tiredness after work affected the quality of parent-child interaction. In this regard, I taught the father some relaxation methods and suggested setting up a “calm zone” at home to give everyone a space to relieve their emotions, and the parents promised to avoid arguing in front of Ming.

A month later, Ming no longer cried over trivial matters and the parent-child relationship was better than before. Painting can reflect children’s inner world view. In the process of creation, children project their inner world intentionally or unintentionally, so that we can understand their inner world and help them grow up healthily.

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The more mischievous a child is, the more vulnerable he or she is?

By: Family Dynamics Counseling Psychologist

　    Shelly Mok

There is a famous picture book called “Little Mao Gets Into Trouble” in which the main character, Little Mao, often makes mistakes and gets into trouble. Whenever he gets into trouble, he always says loudly, “It’s not my fault,” “It’s not my fault,” “It was an accident,” or “It’s xxx’s fault,” and so on.

In reality, a child named Sheung Kit came to my counseling room to play therapy, and his personality was very much like Little Mao. To the class teacher and his parents, Sheung Kit was a child who “shirked his responsibility and refused to admit his fault”.

Once, after we had started play therapy for a while, he was playing with an ambulance in the playroom and accidentally broke the flashing light on the ambulance. Before I could say anything, Sheung Kit did his usual thing and said loudly, “It’s not my fault! and “I didn’t break it! After a while, I slowly said to him, “When toys are played with for a long time, they will be broken. When children are having fun, sometimes they will accidentally 

Sheung Kit didn’t say a word, looking down and playing quietly with other cars. After a while, he suddenly said to himself in a voice I had never heard before, very weak, “If it was the director of discipline, it would not have said so …… If it was the principal, it would not have said so. If it was mom ……” “Just now …… was I …… accidentally …… Sheung Kit’s voice was as weak as a mosquito.

What does it say about a child whose voice was so loud just now and suddenly becomes so weak?

In fact, his voice is used to cover up his inner fears, insecurities, frustrations and low self-image. However, even though he knows he is wrong, he is unable to take responsibility for his actions because he is afraid and cannot bear the condemnation from others. As the saying goes, “A person with a broken mouth should not have a broken bowl”. It means that you should not mention people’s weaknesses to avoid their displeasure. In order to maintain his dignity, he makes the first move and fights back to defend himself, but the result is more punishment and reprimand, leading to an even lower self-image and a vicious cycle.

The more mischievous a child is on the surface, the more vulnerable he or she is on the inside. In the end, Sheung Kit, like Little Mao, only hopes that after he makes a mistake, his mother will still hug him and say, “Mommy loves you! With this acceptance, the child can regain his courage, say “I’m sorry” sincerely, and take responsibility for his own actions and life. No wonder the Little Mao series of books have been so popular with children!

As parents, they should have nothing against somebody. Accepting your child’s deviant behavior and setting boundaries is also an art.

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3 big tricks to let young children know the emotions & improve their social skills

Written by: Speech Therapist Mother, Miss Carley

Since children are only about two or three years old, their knowledge of the world will become deeper and deeper, teaching them to understand emotions can help them express their feelings and encourage them to put themselves in the position of understanding the feelings of others, thereby enhancing their social skills.

Tip 1: Parents and children watch cartoons together

Parents can watch more cartoons with their children. Often, the expressions of the characters in these cartoons are exaggerated so that children can identify the emotions and feelings of the characters and ask them about their reasons and solutions. Parents and children watching stories and the storytelling process, in fact, can also ask children to replace the characters in the story and think about what they feel.

For example, in the story of the three little pigs, parents can ask their children, “If you are a little pig and your house is blown down, how would you feel?” If you were the big pig and your house was not blown down, how would you feel? This allows them to put themselves in other people’s shoes more often.

Tip 2: Put yourself in their shoes

In daily life, parents can also try to grasp the opportunity to let their children know that their behavior will affect the feelings of others. For example, when a child does something bad or misbehaves, ask him, “What do you think about mommy’s emotions right now? It turns out that mommy is angry, so they know that their behaviors affect others.

Tip 3: Ask your child to keep a diary of daily events

Parents can also try to ask their children to draw or write down the events of each day in a diary, and how they feel about themselves or others, to deepen their emotional awareness.

Further, parents can teach their children that there are different levels of feelings and emotions.

For example, happy can be a little happy, very happy, or super happy. Parents can also play simple games with their children, such as asking them at a theme park, “Are you a little happy, very happy, or super happy?”

If you are a little happy, take one step; if you are very happy, take two steps; and if you are super happy, take three steps. Let the children know more about these emotions.

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How can eating habits make your child’s skin healthier?

How can eating habits make your child's skin healthier?

Source: Registered Dietitian (Public Health) (UK), Ng Pui-Yu

 

Many kids have dry skin or even eczema, and their parents work hard to find the right moisturizers and other skin care products for them. In fact, in addition to topical skincare products, we should also pay attention to children’s diets. The most direct way, of course, is to drink more water. How much water should be drunk?

In fact, our body’s need for water is deeply influenced by the weather. For example, in dry weather, we need more water, as well as to account for children’s activity levels and how much they sweat. The water content in food also affects their need for water. If a child urinates every 3 to 4 hours and the urine is light yellow with no strong odor and the stool is not very hard and does not cause difficulty during bowel movements, it usually means that their water intake is sufficient.

For children aged 2 to 5, they need about 4 to 5 cups of fluid a day, and water should be the main source. Unsaturated fatty acids, like omega-3, are also important for maintaining the integrity of cell membranes, which keep harmful substances out and keep the skin moist and flexible. Omega-3 fatty acids can also help calm immune responses that are too strong in people with skin allergies or eczema.

We should also avoid certain foods, such as candies, cookies, and white bread, which are refined foods. Instead, we should choose low-glycemic index foods, such as brown rice and whole wheat bread, which are important for controlling sensitive conditions. Antioxidants, including common vitamins A, C, and E, are also important and can be found in fruits, vegetables, and nuts of different colors, making them great sources of antioxidants.

In summary, to have healthy skin, in addition to having enough water, you should eat high-fat fish such as salmon or yellow croaker twice a week. You can also replace some cookies and candy with plain nuts, fruits, and so on, and it is ideal to eat a variety of vegetables and fruits.

 

By the way, if a child’s chewing ability is not well developed, there is a chance of choking when eating nuts. Therefore, we should choose some smaller nuts, such as pine nuts, which are also a good option.

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How do parents show love to their children?

How do parents show love to their children?

Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir

Parents may worry that expressing too much love to their children will spoil them and therefore do not know how to express love to them. Generally speaking, Chinese are more introverted and often dare not express their love. Especially when you originally wanted to express that you were very worried about your child, it often turns into another attitude.

Once, I saw a mother and her child get lost in Shatin and then reunite. What was the mother’s behavior like after the reunion? She grabbed the child’s hand and hit him while saying, “I couldn’t find you earlier; do you know how scared I was? I was so worried. What would I do if I didn’t find you?”

In fact, everyone knows that the mother loves her child, but the child doesn’t feel it. I often share an example during lectures to express love. When I was young, my father ordered a drink, but because money was tight, he asked the waiter to bring an extra cup after ordering one hot drink. He kept pouring the drink back and forth in front of me, trying to cool it down quickly so that the child wouldn’t burn his mouth and could drink it faster. But I found that when children ask their parents or when I asked many students’ parents, they would answer, “This will make it cool faster.”

When responding to children, parents should express their feelings at the deepest level: “I love you; why would I do this if I didn’t love you? Am I doing it for someone else? For another child? So in fact, there are many things in our lives that can express love, but there is one thing that must be remembered. If you are afraid of being overindulgent, remember the following two points:

First, if the child can do something, let them do it. You should not fight to do it. Second, when the child makes a mistake, we should correct them. In the process of correction, try to be gentle and firm. When seriousness is needed, be serious. But remind the child to say the solution, not just say no or that it’s wrong. Otherwise, the child will not progress.

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Why do children have a perfectionist personality?

Why do children have a perfectionist personality?

Source : Psychiatrist, Dr. Hui Long Kit 

 

Perfectionistic children may have autism spectrum disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. In fact, perfectionism often stems from a child’s own high demands on themselves to do everything perfectly. When they cannot achieve perfection, they often blame themselves. For some children, when they score 99 out of 100 on an exam, they may cry endlessly at home because they are so worried about the one point they missed.

 

However, sometimes perfectionistic thinking does not come from the child, but rather from the parents. For example, if a child scores 99 out of 100, have you as a parent ever asked them, “Why didn’t you get 100 points?” If you say this, you are actually adding some perfectionistic elements to the child’s thinking. Children’s psychology is easily influenced by adults. If adults demand perfection in everything, children often internalize this pressure and turn it into self-demands. As a result, they may feel anxious when they cannot do what they want to do.

 

What are the consequences of anxiety? Anxiety can lead to chronic insomnia, extreme nervousness, frequent visits to the restroom, skin picking, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, trembling hands, and even a fear of going to school. Children may think, “What should I do? I missed one point. I threw away the notice. The teacher will scold me tomorrow. I don’t want to go to school.” These are common situations for perfectionistic children, not just those with anxiety disorders. Many children may also develop depression.

Because they are unable to meet the demands of parents or teachers for a long time, they often cry, feel unhappy, and may even have suicidal thoughts. So how should parents deal with children who have perfectionism?

 

First, you need to be aware of the problem. Don’t assume that a child who is diligent and looks like a good student has no problems. The more obedient the student, the more careful you need to be to see if their demands on themselves are too high.

 

Second, parents should be aware of themselves. Are you perfect? Did you do everything perfectly when you were young? Do you do everything well every day? Do you do everything perfectly at work? Has your boss ever criticized you for not doing a good job? If you can’t even achieve perfection yourself, why do you expect your child to do so?

Third, you should pay attention to whether a child with perfectionism has symptoms of anxiety and depression. If, as stated above ,the child has trouble sleeping, shakes, has a fast heartbeat, sweats, picks at their skin, goes to the bathroom frequently, or has negative thoughts or even suicidal ideas, then you must take them to see a doctor. If anxiety and depression worsen, the consequences can be very serious.

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